


Still Here

by MarvelousMenagerie (HiddenOne)



Series: 2019 MCU Kink Bingo [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blood, Body Horror, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, In a non a/b/o setting, M/M, Medical Procedures, Miscarriage, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 23:00:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17569559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenOne/pseuds/MarvelousMenagerie
Summary: Super soldiers don't just 'not feel well,' but Bucky is reluctant to admit to the pain anyway. Then comes the blood and getting forced to medbay and still there's no reason...until Bruce figures it out: Bucky was pregnant.Bucky wonders if he'll ever know everything that Hydra did to him.





	Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the MCU Kink bingo square: 'childbirth.'

Bucky drifts to the surface of consciousness when Tony gets out of bed. He sleeps too lightly, no matter how quiet Tony is, to not wake up but at this point Bucky’s body has at least learned to roll over and go back to sleep.

The second time Bucky wakes up is when Tony comes back into the room. A protein bar - still wrapped - is in Tony’s mouth, and two cups of coffee in his hands.

“Here,” Tony mouths around the bar. He spits it onto Bucky, the protein bar landing on the covers over Bucky’s shoulder. “You should eat something.”

Bucky huffs and lets go of any hope of getting back to sleep. He doesn’t usually sleep in past Tony getting up for work, but it’s not like Bucky actually has any appointments or time-sensitive items on his agenda. He could spend all day in bed if he wants to, and today he might just want to. Still, he grabs the protein bar and fiddles with the wrapper.

He should be hungry. He left dinner early last night, not hungry then either. It’s a bit weird that he isn’t hungry _now_ , when he really should be, but it’s sleep that sounds more appetizing.

Tony sets one of the coffee cups on the nightstand and then takes a seat on the edge of the bed. He watches Bucky with dark, concerned eyes as he takes a sip from his coffee.

Bucky holds back a sigh, unwraps a corner of the protein bar, and takes a bite.

Tony eyes him, lips pursed, as he chews.

Bucky swallows with a dry throat. He’s not hungry. It’s weird, as he’s usually some degree of hungry. Not always ravenous, not always willing to eat everything in sight - like he and Steve are post-battles - but usually the serum makes Bucky always at least a little hungry.

It might have something to do with the stomach cramps, Bucky finally admits. The cramps are the real reason he’d left dinner early last night, though he hadn’t mentioned that bit to Tony. Unfortunately the cramps hadn’t gone away magically in the night, though they’d at least calmed down to the point that Bucky could tune it out to sleep. He’d hoped they’d disappear and he wouldn’t have to do anything. He hadn’t told anyone because he doubted that logic would work well to persuade anyone else to let it go.

Bucky is no stranger to pain, but unknown sources or _reasons_ for pain didn’t usually happen to a super soldier.

Bucky clears his throat and nods to the coffee up on the nightstand. “That for me or you plannin’ to guzzle that one too?”

Tony snorts but his gaze remains watchful. “I’ll give it you if you can manage to sit up to drink it, how’s that?”

Bucky raises an eyebrow at the easy trade. Usually Tony sets the bar higher, even when Tony intends to bring Bucky coffee in bed. Sometimes a bit of a show is required, sometimes being a sounding board when Tony needs to talk through a problem, sometimes only an agreement that Tony’s right when Tony wants to rant about something.

Bucky sits back up against the headboard and grabs the coffee mug. The cramps have kicked it up a notch making the coffee unappealing, but Bucky has refused to cave in to his body’s demands in worse situations than this. He drinks the coffee even as his stomach twists in protest.

Tony keeps watching, and Bucky begins to bristle under the gaze. Bucky wishes they could _both_ ignore how Bucky - Bucky’s body - is being weird for no reason. Just because Tony is too observant to not notice and too stubborn to let it go doesn’t mean that Tony gets to look at Bucky like Tony knows something.

Bucky doesn’t even know what the fuck is going on, so Tony certainly can’t.

He takes another bite of the protein bar. It’s a more vicious bite than Bucky intended, which means he gets wrapper in his mouth that he has to pick out and set on the nightstand while he fights a blush.

Tony doesn’t try very hard to fight the smirk on his face so Bucky ignores him.

“Alright,” Tony says, patting one of Bucky’s legs. It never worked to try to ignore Tony, Bucky sighs. “That was the soft opening, let you ease into it, open up at your pace kind of deal. Now it’s the line of direct questioning. What’s up with you?”

Bucky tenses and tries to hide it. It must be unsuccessful as Tony waves away the question with a grimace.

“That came out strong. I meant ‘what’s wrong,’ as in I am concerned about your well-being, so this is me being the good boyfriend and asking if you’re okay.”

“‘M fine,” Bucky assures, rolling his eyes for good measure.

Tony gives Bucky a look that says ‘try the other one.’ “Right, because you turn down a pizza-eating contest with Clint and Sam, that happens sometimes,” Tony says skeptically.

Bucky gropes around for an excuse. “It’s too easy,” he offers. It’s true, but also it’s never bothered him before and probably never will. If Sam and Clint want to stuff their face to try to keep up with Bucky, they can certainly try. Eventually biology works against them, and Bucky can gracefully accept the easy win.

Tony’s eyebrows go even higher. “Right. Of course. I’m sure if I had the super soldier serum, I’d totally skip out on stuffing my face with my favorite pizza from Gina’s. I’m sure I’d rather not eat anything at all, then stay up watching episodes of ‘Friends’ and sleep through breakfast because, you know, I’m a super soldier who likes to starve himself.”

“I do not,” Bucky protests hotly.

Tony’s eyebrows go up an additional half an inch. They’re impressively high, Bucky notes. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Tony’s eyebrows that high up on his forehead.

Whatever it takes to divert Bucky’s own attention from the fact that he didn’t hide his not-feeling-well state very well at all. The whole team probably knows, for that matter. As soon as Bucky had turned down the pizza, they’d have known. Especially with Gina’s pizza-eating-contest-pizza, and Bucky had walked away.

Damn it.

What is Bucky even supposed to say? Super soldiers never just ‘don’t feel well,’ not unless they’ve just been stabbed or shot or poisoned.

“I just -” Bucky tries for the words but can’t say them. Not yet. He isn’t willing to bring all that attention down on him just yet. The medbay, the scans, the worry - _Tony_ is the one with health issues, with the reactor and the heart and the liver and the baseline human element, Bucky would much rather worry about Tony than let Tony worry about Bucky. “Jesus, can’t a guy have some space?”

The words are attacking, even as they serve as Bucky’s defense. They’re an effective strategy; Tony’s face closes off.

And now Tony will think it’s something between them, or maybe something that’s just _Tony_. Bucky rubs his face.

Bucky dredges up the energy to offer a olive branch. “Just - wait, okay, let me. I’m gonna go to the bathroom, and come back and we can -” talk, maybe, if Bucky can come up with a reason that won’t panic everyone in this Tower, and hopefully something that will convince Tony that Bucky doesn’t want to break up with him, “ - just, don’t go, yeah?”

Bucky moves to slide out of the covers, and Tony moves to let Bucky do so. Tony nods, Bucky sees that much, and Bucky heads for the bathroom.

He doesn’t get far.

“Shit! Bucky!”

Bucky stops, and Tony’s hand clamps down on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky turns, and he stills as he sees a pool of red where he’d been laying in bed. He twists further, and Tony is bent down behind Bucky, staring at Bucky’s ass.

The back of Bucky’s boxers have a patch of bright red that match the sheets.

Blood. Bucky can smell it now, the metallic tang invading his nose and making it hard to think.

“Medbay, now. JARVIS get the Iron Man armor,” Tony orders as he stands, keeping one hand on Bucky.

“What…? No, no medbay, and you’re not carrying me,” Bucky protests. His gaze goes back to the sheets, to the amount of blood that’s soaked through already. He had dragged a smear of it behind him when he’d moved to sit up against the headboard.

“Medbay, and yes I am. You’re not walking like this,” Tony argues, voice firm.

Bucky clenches his jaw. “I’m not bleedin’ out, and even if I was it doesn’t hurt to walk.”

Tony’s expression hardens. His fingers dig into Bucky’s shoulder as he leans closer. “Unless you’re about to explain exactly how and why you’re bleeding _out of your ass_ and give me a detailed argument on why I shouldn’t be worried - you are going to medbay, and the armor will take you.”

 

* * *

 

Bruce is already in the medbay when Bucky arrives in the arms of the Iron Man armor. Bucky supposes he should be grateful that it isn’t the entire team, but he still glares at Tony as the armor sets Bucky down on a bed.

“So,” Bruce starts, and then coughs. “Um… what seems to be the problem?”

Bucky bites back a sigh and reminds himself that he’s survived much worse situations than this. Still, the bright lights of the medbay are searing into his eyes, and even though there are sheets underneath him rather than a cold, metal slab, Bucky has a hard time keeping his thoughts away from Hydra.

“Mind if we turn down the lights?” Bucky asks. He doesn’t quite manage to keep his voice calm.

“Tone it down to 30%,” Tony orders, and the overhead lights of the medbay dim appropriately.

It’s not quite as comforting as Bucky hoped for, but at least he can stare at the ceiling without blinding himself now, which means he doesn’t have to meet Bruce or Tony’s gazes.

Bucky takes a deep breath, pretends he isn’t describing _himself_ and then explains. He explains the cramps - and is glad he can’t see Tony’s face when he says they started yesterday - and then the blood this morning.

“Tony -” Bruce starts.

Tony interrupts. “Don’t you dare ask me to step out.”

“I’m not asking. I’m ordering. You want me to play doctor, than I’m going to standby the same confidentiality rules that would apply everywhere else.”

There’s a moment of silence, but Bucky doesn’t look away from the ceiling. He doesn’t catch Tony’s gaze. Bucky isn’t here, right now. This is all just a dream. If he catches Tony’s pleading gaze, then that illusion will be shattered.

Tony walks away. The door hisses in its opening and closing, and then Bruce steps closer.

“Bucky, I’m sorry, but I have to ask. This is coming from a medical standpoint only, and will remain between us.” Bruce clears his throat. “I need to know if there’s a possibility your injury is related to any sexual activities.”

Bucky turns his head, but Bruce’s face is calm but serious.

“‘Activities’ that Tony might not know about? That why you had him leave?”

“You’re entitled to confidentiality, no matter what type of injury,” Bruce replies.

Bucky’s cheeks heat and he digs his hands into the sheets. “I ain’t cheatin’ on Tony.” Bucky’s mouth moves, but the rest of the words don’t come out until he takes another breath and forces them. “Last time I had anythin’ up my ass - been maybe, 4 or 5 days? - and it was Tony,” Bucky defends.

Bruce nods at Bucky’s statement, keeping his composure. “Did anything unusual happen then? Any type of sharp or acute pain?”

Bucky struggles for his own composure. His face feels hot, his chest hot, his body hot, and it can’t be because of the damn lights because JARVIS had already turned them down. “No,” Bucky says shortly.

“Anything unusual or painful when you’ve defecated?”

Bucky closes his eyes. Bruce is being kind, gentle, and Bucky almost wishes Bruce wasn’t.

“No. Not… not that I can think of. Nothin’ but those cramps,” Bucky offers, feeling like he’s not helping at all.

Why couldn’t his enhanced body just heal on its own? What is wrong with him?

“Alright. I think we’ll need to start with some exams. I can step outside while you undress,” Bruce offers as he steps away.

Bucky clenches his jaw, then relaxes. “Don’t bother. Just give me a sec’.”

Bucky reaches for the calm headspace of the Winter Soldier, of the Asset. He isn’t capable of getting trapped there anymore, not since the trigger words have been removed from his brain, but he can still fall into that mindset.

The mindset of an emotionless soldier. One who isn’t embarrassed to be injured without cause. One who doesn’t care that there is blood coming out of his ass for no reason. One who doesn’t care that a friend is about to have to look at his asshole up close and personal. One who doesn’t care that his boyfriend is pacing outside the medbay in concern.

The Winter Soldier strips and follows Bruce’s quiet directions.

An MRI isn’t an option because of Bucky’s metal arm and the supporting metal lodged in Bucky’s spine and side. JARVIS’ remote scanning capabilities aren’t able to get a good enough view of Bucky’s soft inner tissue to discover the source of the bleeding.

Bruce puts on a pair of gloves and grabs a scope, one that has a light and camera on the end of a flexible cable.

The Winter Soldier relaxes, breathing deeply as Bruce fingers around the Soldier’s ass and asks if there is any pain.

The Soldier reports that there is none.

Bruce lubes up the scope and starts slowly feeding it into the Soldier’s ass. Both of them can see the screen that shows the inner walls of the Soldier’s rectum, then intestine. Bruce talks, his voice soft and mellow, but the Soldier doesn’t listen. The Soldier relaxes, taking in the information on the screen passively, not thinking about it in terms of himself.

“Uh. JARVIS.”

The Soldier tunes back into the change in Bruce’s voice. There’s a tightness there underneath the projected calm, and the Soldier pours over the the image on the screen with doubled intensity.

“Can you go back a few frames? I think I… yeah, there,” Bruce says as the footage is rewound. “Is that…?”

The Soldier stares at the screen. The tissue on the screen is constantly moving, squeezing. The light on the scope provides some color - pinks and reds, all normal according to Bruce’s monologue. They’d been following a trail of the dark red, almost black color of blood the entire time, but there - as JARVIS pauses the image, there’s darkness where there should be tissue.

With JARVIS’ assistance, Bruce pulls the camera back to get a live image. On contraction, there’s nothing but the pink and red tissue. Then a blink, a relaxation, and the darkness appears.

A hole where there shouldn’t be one. A hole where there should be tissue. A hole that, when the camera enters, is illuminated into a cavern filled with blood and fluid and a wad of tissue.

“Oh my God,” Bruce breathes.

The calm mindset of the Winter Soldier falls away in tattered pieces.

“What the hell is that?!” Bucky asks.

 

* * *

 

It’s not a uterus. That’s what Bruce tells him.

To Bucky, the terminology doesn’t matter. Whatever the correct term of the organ that Hydra engineered and stuck in him is, the point is that it can grow a child. It’s fertile. It has ovaries. It can get pregnant - get _Bucky_ pregnant.

Bucky can give birth.

“You don’t have the necessary hormonal triggers and changes to be able to carry a fetus to term,” Bruce explains.

He rests a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, and it’s the only reason Bucky is still in the room - a grounding force that keeps him tethered to the medbay, both physically and mentally.

How? When? _Why_? Bucky wants to scream, but he doesn’t. He swallows his questions that Bruce doesn’t have a hope of answering.

“That seems to be what happened here. You - uh, basically, some of Tony’s sperm must’ve fertilized an egg and -” Bruce swallows, adjusts his glasses, but Bruce holds Bucky’s gaze, “I think there was a fetus.”

“Was,” Bucky rasps.

Bruce nods. “Was. Past term. This organ isn’t capable of carrying a fetus to term, not on it’s own. When the proper hormones and nutrients weren’t provided, or maybe for other, genetic reasons - well, the body, the organ, aborted the fetus.  A miscarriage. That explains the cramping and the blood.”

A miscarriage, because Bucky had been pregnant. Pregnant with Tony’s child, because they’d stopped using condoms awhile back and why the fuck would Bucky need to be on birth control?

How the fuck can he get _pregnant_?

“Bucky? Bucky, do you want me to call Tony?”

Bucky realizes that he’s shaking.

“Or Steve? Or one of the others, anyone. Bucky?”

Bucky knocks Bruce’s hand away and runs.

Bucky doesn’t run far. He runs to his bathroom, locking himself in and heaving himself into the shower. He turns the water on, searing hot.

He sits, curling up against the wall and lets the water beat down on him.

Bruce had cleaned Bucky up earlier during the examination, but blood slowly seeps out from under him. Bucky watches the red slither and swirl down the drain.

What else doesn’t he know about his own body? What else did Hydra do to him? Did he give birth and not remember?

_What doesn’t he know?_

“Bucky? Baby, honey, please.”

Tony’s voice is quiet, but Bucky can hear him underneath the sound of the running water. Bucky curls up tighter to get away from the noise.

“Please, baby. Please let me in.”

If he lets Tony in, then Tony will see Bucky. Tony will see Bucky curled up on the floor of the shower, shaky and pathetic. Tony will see.

“Bucky, please. Don’t do this - not alone. That’s what you’re always telling me, right? Come on, baby.”

Bucky’s breaths rattle in his chest. It’s hard to breathe with the steam, and Bucky prefers it that way. He has to focus on each breath, and he’d rather think about that than everything else. So he doesn’t think, just reacts. He does as he’s told - like a good little soldier, but at least this time it’s for a leader he trusts.

“Unlock the door,” Bucky whispers. Tony can’t hear him, but JARVIS can.

Tony steps in, slow and cautious. Bucky watches Tony’s feet as Tony makes his way over to the shower. Bucky doesn’t look higher, can’t look higher. He can’t meet Tony’s eyes right now. He can’t explain to Tony what happened, he doesn’t have the words.

Tony doesn’t even strip off any of his clothes before he steps into the shower and crouches next to Bucky.

“You’ll be okay, alright? You’re going to be okay,” Tony promises.

Bucky closes his eyes and pretends it’s the water from the shower and not his own tears.

“You know,” he rasps.

“I know,” Tony agrees. He sits, his clothes squelching with their water-logged state. He’s just close enough to Bucky to touch, and when Tony reaches a hand over Bucky takes it in his own and squeezes.

Tony knows, and Tony is here. Bucky didn’t have to find the words to explain. Bucky didn’t have to see what Tony’s first reaction was, Bucky didn’t have to see Tony process the information.

Tony knows, and Tony is here.

“Not because of Bruce,” Tony hurries to explain. “He didn’t say anything. Patient, doctor confidentiality thing, he held to that. I, uh, might’ve just overridden him -  and JARVIS - and hacked the cameras to see what happened, after, I mean, when you left.”

Bucky sighs. “You shouldn’ do that, you know.”

“I know and I’m very sorry,” Tony says with little remorse. He also, Bucky notes, doesn’t promise to never do it again.

Bucky doesn’t feel angry about it though. He can’t. He’s still stuck back in a Hydra cell, wondering when someone got the idea to stick a uterus-like thing in their Asset and see if they can get him pregnant.

“Oh, honey,” Tony says, and he hugs Bucky to him.

Bucky goes with, leaning into Tony, letting Tony’s hands direct Bucky’s movements.

“I’ll fix this,” Tony promises. “I’ll find a way to fix it.”

Bucky closes his eyes and lets his head rest against Tony’s chest. He wants to believe Tony. He wants to believe that Tony can make this all go away. He doesn’t want to think about whether it’s even possible for Tony to fix this, to analyze all the ways Tony might be wrong. He doesn’t want to think about how Tony can’t fix all of Hydra’s messes, not when no one knows how many there are lurking in Bucky’s body.

Bucky doesn’t want to think.

“I will. I’ll fix this, baby.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Tony stills for a moment, his hand stilling where it was stroking Bucky’s hair. Then Tony resumes.   

“Alright, honey. Whatever you want. I can come up with a thousand new nicknames, I’m totally ready to take that challenge. No problem. That one was getting rather dull anyway. Totally overused.”

Bucky breathes against Tony’s neck, hot drops of water still raining on his skin. Tony knows, and Tony is here. Tony thinks that this can be fixed.

What if it can’t be fixed? What if _he_ can’t be fixed?

No, Bucky is going to believe Tony. Tony will fix this, and Bucky will be alright.

Tony knows.

Tony is still here.


End file.
